The Closest thing to Hell
by uddyindie
Summary: What happens when Harry, Ron and Hermione have to share a dormitory with the Prefects and Quidditch captains of the other houses, including Draco Malfoy? This will be quite an odd last year for the golden trio. Please, leave an honest review, it's my firs
1. Chapter 1

A Room with Them?

In the crowded great hall sat the students we all know and love, but over the summer, they had changed.

Harry had since gotten lazer surgery and left his glasses in the Weasley's bin. Quidditch had done his muscles some good. He was well-built, strong and toned. He had a certain ruggedly handsome look about him. He was not only famous, but now a sex symbol.

Hermione was once a bushy haired know-it-all who annoyed the pants off everyone, but now, she was stunning. She decided to straighten her hair and wear a little bit of make-up and lighten up. In fact, she didn't even do all her allocated summer homework.

Ron let his hair grow a little and was much more toned and taller. He had the abs to die for and decided to take advantage of this over the summer when the golden trio and Ginny went to Santorini, Greece.

But something else had changed to all three of them, and that was their opinion of Ginny. As we all know, Harry had it out for her and he thought that this summer trip was going to be it. In fact, Ron and Hermione had guided him through it. They even escorted him to her room where they thought she was having an early night and Harry was hoping to give her a nice surprise, but it was Harry, Ron and Hermione who got the surprise. Instead of seeing a sleeping Ginny, they saw her having sex with two 25-year-ols Greek soccer stars. Now, whenever they see her, the ridicule or simply ignore her.

While Dumbledore was lecturing the students about studies, Ron felt an apple hit his head. All three of them shot around and saw whom they recognised as Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zambini smirking. Ron picked up the first thing he laid his eyes on (which happened to be a house elf) and hurled it across the Hufflepuff table to the Slytherins where it landed with great force in Malfoys lap. He stood up holding his crotch gasping in pain before falling onto the ground while the house elf scampered away.

"Hah, that's almost as funny as that time I caught Fred polishing his rocket in front of a picture of Hermi- I mean, Alicia Spinnet!" said Ron, making the whole Gryffindor table laugh.

"Ahem," said Dumbledore, "Because of the slight changes in school policy, there will be two prefects from each house, but the same one Quidditch captain this year. The Head Boy and Girl for Hufflepuff are the German exchange student Hans Coen and Belinda Davis. The Heads for Ravenclaw are Zacharias Smith and Cho Chang. The Heads for Gryffindor are Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger. Hemrione and Ron stopped tickling each other and stared at Dumbledore in astonishment. And the Heads for Slytherin are Blaise Zambini and Pansy Parkinson.

The great hall suddenly was all whispers and mumbles. "I'm gonna miss you guys," said Harry.

"There's still hope," said Hermione," Everyone knows you're going to get Quidditch captain, I'm just worried at how I'll cope sleeping so close to Pansy Parkinson."

"At least she's not too bad to look at," said Ron, staring at her boobs. He was right, her face had evened out and she looked a lot like Paris Hilton/Ashlee Simpson. "She's not a pug anymore."

"I have to agree with you on that," said Hermione," But she's still a bitch and Malfoy says she has bad technique-"

"Okay, Hermione let's not go too far," Harry said.

"Quiet, please," Dumbledore continued," The Quidditch captain for Hufflepuff is Juan Manuella, the Quidditch captain for Ravenclaw is Sarah Spundgen, the Quidditch captain for Gryffindor is Harry Potter ("Told you," said Hermione) and Slytherin Quidditch captain is Draco Malfoy. Now because of the growth in student enrolments, All Head and Quidditch captains will be sharing the one dorm, but I can assure you, you will all get your own rooms, now please, enjoy your meals."

The main topic in the hall was the prefects dorms.

"We'll all be together," said Harry

"Yeah with Malfoy, Parkinson, Zambini and..." Ron paused.

"What," said Harry?

Ron smirked seductively,"Cho Chang!"

"Fuck off!" said Harry irritably.

"Oh come on, grow up. At least we get our own rooms," said Hermione.

"Yeah but-"

"Attention please," said Dumblebore. The hall went quiet. "Could everyone please make their way to their dorms?"

Everyone was reluctant, especially the prefects, to go to their dorms, but they had no choice. When the twelve prefects had reached their porthole, they were greeted by an extraordinarily beautiful woman with white blonde hair and a magnificent gown who said "Hello, my name is Wanda and I was once the mistress of Salazar Slytherin."

"So much for morality," snickered Ron.

"Ahem," she continued," Would you like to decide on a password?"

"Weasel has a small dick!" yelled Blaise straightaway.

"What?" said Ron

"Password granted," smiled Wanda and the portrait opened

"Is it possible for a change of password?" asked Ron.

"So much for morality," she mimicked.

"I'll get her," said Ron walking in.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thank you to sweetie-pie-Ginny for her praise, while the other reviewer, Zeke can go to hell. I do not own Harry Potter but I can do what I want with it, that's the whole point of this website. Loser.

When the twelve students walked in, they each gaped in awe. The main common room had a giant fireplace and 4 leather lounges spread out surrounding it. A few metres back were five 4-seater study tables. On each side of the room was a spiral staircase, each leading to the boys and the girl's dorms.

After about half an hour of gaping, the boys started making their way u the stairs to their rooms. As Harry opened his door he was dumbfounded. He discovered that each room had a theme, and his (lucky for him) was the 1970s. The walls of his room were covered with posters of The Rolling Stones, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Clash etc, with not a speck of wall to see, it was all posters and on his bed was a peace sign blanket with his luggage. On the rest of his furniture were ornaments, collectables etc. Under his ying and yang rug he found an empty trapdoor. He unzipped his toiletries bag and took out about 10kg of drugs consisting cannabis, heroin, crack, ecstasy, a few boxes of cigarettes, a few beers, a bottle of bourbon, a packet of condoms and a few Playboy magazines. "I love being Dumbledore's pet," he said to himself as he closed the door and replaced the mat.

Meanwhile, Ron walked into his room finding the whole room either pink or red. The bed was heart-shaped and the walls were red made from sponge (like the walls in mental institutions) and the carpet was long, soft and pink. He couldn't help but notice the amount of white bunny's he saw everywhere.

"Heya- whoa!" said Harry walking past.

"What?" said Ron.

"You lucky bastard, you've got a Playboy themed room!" said Harry enviously.

"So?"

"It's a muggle thing. It's basically a porn industry, also a fashion name," explained Harry.

"So, I'm in a sex haven?" asked Ron.

"Well, yeah," said Harry looking at his toes.

"Oh HELL YEAH!" said Ron.

"Would you shut up, Weasel!" yelled Malfoy from his room.

"Why, what's your theme?" said Ron smugly.

"Mexico, there happens to be heaps of posters of Mexican models in my room and about 10 bottles of Tequila." Malfoy replied smirking.

"Oh, so you spent your summer in the muggle world, Malfoy?" asked Harry.

"Well yes," said Malfoy, "I know, it's very unlike me, but I went to America and I happen to find your muggle girls very, very easy."

"America, eh?" asked Ron, "So you'd have heard of the Playboy Mansion?"

"Why yes, are you dreaming of something that'll never happen, Weasel?"

"No, I wouldn't be too sure about that, Ferret, just take a look at my room."

"What the- oh, so you think you're so good, Weasel? I think that theme has gone to waste, you won't be having anyone in there," said Malfoy.

"Oh and did I mention that my parents won 52 million galleons in the wizard lottery at the beginning of summer?" said Ron smugly. (and it was in fact true. Where do you think they got the money for their summer holiday?)

"Yeah sure, I'd love to stay and talk with you but, well I don't want to," and at that Malfoy turned on his heel back to his own room.

* * *

Meanwhile, the girls decided to make their way to their rooms. Once Hermione got to her room she was somewhat satisfied. There was a magenta feature wall with 3 white walls. She had a white four-poster bed with pink sheets and blankets. Her furniture was fairly modern. She got her bag and lay out on her desk a hair straightener, an electric hair plucker, a mobile phone, a pager and an electric toothbrush. She had done her research and managed to work out how to make electronics work with magic.

She walked in her private bathroom and opened her eyes with bewilderment. Her bath was the size of a pool, with a diving board, a shower with shower heads going down the sides and one at the top, there was a Jacuzzi, a Japanese toilet and a porcelain basin with a combination of Christian Dior and Lancôme products in her cabinet. This was every girls dream bathroom. The bathroom design was the same for every other student in both dorms.

"I hate the mother fucking Arsenal fuckers!" shrieked Pansy from her room.

"What is it, Panse?" asked Malfoy worriedly as he was running towards her room.

"Oh fuck off Draco, I am not getting back with you!" she yelled.

"I told you I am sorry," he pleaded but discreetly so as not to tarnish his 'playboy' reputation.

"Draco, or Malfoy as I'd rather call you, you called me desperate ugly pug just weeks before summer break and now you expect me to forgive you just because everyone else loves you? Why don't you go fuck yourself!"

"Hi Malfoy," said Hermione. She wanted to catch him while he was dignity stricken. "How was your summer?"

"Whoa..." he said looking her up and down, noticing her change in figure and hair.

"Seeing something you like Malfoy?" she said smugly.

"What?-No you stupid whore!" he said timidly and walked rather quickly.

She knew she had developed in figure and attractiveness; she was going to use it to her advantage to get revenge on her most hated enemy.

* * *

To the bad luck of the Golden Trio, their first class was double potions with Snape, but this time, they were going to make it fun. The only Slytherins in their potions class were Blaise and Malfoy, while the majority were Gryffindors.

As Snape walked in he stood at his desk and began his 'Welcome Back' speech.

"….Now I trust you all know the rules for each class, no running, no horseplay," he paused to sit down but a loud farting sound echoed the room as he took his seat. The class erupted with laughter. He quickly stood up and pulled a whoopee cushion out from his seat and looked at it with disgust.

"Who the fuck did this!" he yelled. The class remained silent except for the sniggering of the Golden Trio.

"Oh, you think its funny Mr Potter and Weasley, and you Miss Granger? Detention, this Saturday night."

They didn't care, it was worth a detention.

* * *

"That was great thinking, Hermione," Ron complimented. They were both sitting on Harry's bed while he was looking for his wand. As he was rushing around, he managed to accidentally move his mat, but he was too caught up to notice. Ron noticed the trapdoor and decided to open it.

"Oh God, Ron-what the hell is all this?"

"I wouldn't know, it's all muggle stuff."

"Damn right! How many drugs has he got in here?"

"He must be very sick," said Ron, clueless to what it all was, "Oh look, Playboy!"

Hermione blinked at him and continued going through all the drugs.

"What the hell are you doing!" yelled Harry.

Hermione jumped and faced him, he was boiling mad.

"What are condoms?" asked Ron.

"All you had to do was ask," he said and Hermione heaved a sigh of relief. Harry got out a few straws and his bag of heroin.

Hermione open her eyes the widest they had ever been, while Ron raised his eyebrow and screwed up his face in confusion. Harry passed Ron and Hermione a straw and sniffed the contents of what was now laid out on the table. Ron looked at Hermione and shrugged and decided to follow Harry's lead.

Hermione shrugged after a while and joined her friends in their session.

After about an hour, they started to get really high. Hermione dashed out to room with her frilly scarf and her beat box and made the boys follow her to the common room. It was about 9pm and the rest of the dorm were showering or retiring to their rooms, but not the Golden Trio.

Hermione turned her beat box to full blast playing Black Tongue by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and started singing into her brush on the table. Ron and Harry joined

Hot

Ahh

You can keep your black tongue

Well I found at the mortuary

You know their gonna want some want some

Were high in the bathroom, gonna have a pack soon

with this you will regret

just let it be yeah yeah yeah

Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh ow!

Sonny kept his ring on

Red tape so ordinary

Love that thing like you was gone gone gone

Lets do this like a prison break

I wanna see you squeal and shake

Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh ow!

Boy you're just a stupid bitch,

and girl you're just a no good dick

Hot

Ahh

Were gonna keep it in the family

Yeah well you know well were on the run

You know their gonna want some want some

Were high in the bathroom, gonna have a pack soon

With this you will regret

just let it be yeah yeah yeah

Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh ow!

They continued singing but managed to wake up the rest of the dorm. Blaise and Malfoy ran out in just their boxers to see what the hell was going on. Cho and Pansy ran out with wet nails and silk dressing gowns. The rest were on sleeping pills. Immediately, when Hermione saw Blaise, the heroin had caused her to jump on to him and start making out. They fell on the couch and continued making out.

Malfoy, stunned, looked at the couple on the couch and then at the bag almost empty and realised what had taken over his enemies. He was in the mood for fun and decided to try some while encouraging Pansy and Cho to join in. They were both reluctant but eventually got hooked on the stuff.

The three of them managed to finish the rest of the bag, but it took out most of its affect on Cho.

Suddenly, a new song came onto the beat box. Malfoy found it vaguely familiar until he remembered it was the song he was listening to while he was having sex with an American cheerleader. "Jet," he slurred and he noticed something hard in between his legs which caught the attention of Cho.

So 1,2,3, take my hand and come with me

because you look so fine

and i really wanna make you mine.

I said you look so fine

and I really wanna make you mine.

Oh, 4,5,6 c'mon and get your kicks

now you dont need that money

when you look like that, do ya honey.

Big black boots,

long brown hair,

she's so sweet

with her get back stare.

Well I could see,

you home with me,

but you were with another man, yea!

I know we,

ain't got much to say,

before I let you get away, yea!

I said, are you gonna be my girl?

Well, so 1,2,3, take my hand and come with me

because you look so fine

and i really wanna make you mine.

I said you look so fine

and I really wanna make you mine.

Oh, 4,5,6 c'mon and get your kicks

now you dont need that money

with a face like that, do ya.

Big black boots,

long brown hair,

she's so sweet

with her get back stare.

Well I could see,

you home with me,

But you were with another man, yea!

I know we,

ain't got much to say,

before I let you get away, yea!

I said, are you gonna be my girl?

Oh yea. Oh yea. C'mon!

I could see,

you home with me,

but you were with another man, yea!

I know we,

ain't got much to say,

before I let you get away, yea!

Uh, be my girl.

Be my girl.

Are you gonna be my girl!

Yea.

Only when the song ended Malfoy was so numb he just realised Cho's mouth was in between hi legs.

They suddenly disappeared into the night.

Pansy meanwhile, decided to join Harry and Ron on the table.

"Dude, I am sooo stoned!" yelled Ron over the top of Fucken Awesome by Spiderbait.

"You're high, dumbass!" Harry screamed.

The whole night was a blur to everyone, until morning hit.

A/N Sorry for the cliffy, but I'm so tired now. I'd like to thank Jet, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Spiderbait for adding affect and I will post a new chapter this weekend.


	3. Chapter 3

The Very Next Day

Harry opened his eyes, but saw darkness, where was he.

"I'm blind. BLIND! HELP ME!" he yelled. He heard the laughter of Ron and Pansy. "Help me you fuckwits!" he yelled. He felt something rip across his face and saw natural light. "Ow, light"

"Rise and shine, darling," said Ron holding silver tape. "What's it like to be blind?"

"Oh ha ha, real mature," he said and slammed his face back on the pillow of the couch, but looked up and gaped at what he saw; Ron and Pansy were co-operating? Lingerie was thrown everywhere, portraits were shaking their heads and there, on the opposite side of the room on the lounge was his best friend asleep on Blaise Zambini's chest.

"HERMIONE!" he shouted.

"Fuck off," she moaned and turned her head to face the other way and found the surface she was sleeping on quite uncomfortable, yes weird. She looked up, blinked and saw the face of her worst enemy's best friend, asleep but smiling.

"Ugh!" she yelled and fell on the floor.

"Oh, baby don't" said Blaise opening his eyes. He looked up and saw scratch marks on his chest and looked on the floor to see Hermione finding her feet. He smiled, "Why good morning Hermione. Have a nice sleep?"

"I wouldn't, know…_Blaise_ I was high and drunk and unconscious, therefore anything I did last night did not mean a thing," she slurred before she screwed up her face and ran for the bathroom."

"She wants me," said Blaise.

"Yeah, you wish," said Harry, "What's the time?"

"Wait on I'll check," Ron slurred reaching for his pocket watch. After frowning at it he gave up. "Oh you check it," he slurred again and threw it at Harry's head.

"Oww, fuck!" he yelled before rubbing his head while picking up the watch. "Holy fucking Jesus on a stick! It's 12:30!" he yelled

Everyone looked at him with a bored face while Hermione stumbled out of the bathroom holding a toothbrush with toothpaste around her mouth and leant over the rain and screamed "WHAT!" She then hurried back into her room and was out dressed in her robes with her hair neatly tied back and holding her books and rushing out of the room.

"Wow," said Harry blinking and lay back on the couch, "Ron, tell Dumbledore I'm sick and can't attend classes?"

"Hell no, man. I'm not going to classes," he replied.

"So no one except for Hermione, the Ravenclaw losers and the guy with the funny accent is going?"

"Who?" a German voice rang out.

"Oh he's here. So Hans…why are you sick?"

"Oo, I just felt like smokking a fiew bongs today and dat, so ya," he replied.

"Uh, right, you're a druggie?" asked Pansy

"Meh," he replied, "You vant vun?" he asked offering Pansy one.

"Dude where were you lat night," asked Blaise.

"I passed out from my foot long joint at like 6 last night," he replied.

"You slept for 16 hours?"

"Vell, I like, woke up at 7 and dat Belinda Davis chick was like blowing me so I sat back and I fell asleep ven I was finished."

"Oh," said Harry, "Cool."

"And like an hour ago I saw dat Cho chick and dat Malfoy dude like coming out of a closet, ya," he continued.

"Oh, it looks like Harry lost his chance," Ron chuckled.

"Shut up you loser. Do you know how many girls I've done since breaking up with her?" Harry retorted.

"Oh yeah like 9," said Ron.

"Oh and what about you, Ron?"

"Shut up," Ron frowned.

"Where did they go?" asked Pansy.

"Somesing bout getting to class I don't know I'm kinda stoned now," Hans replied.

"It sounds a lot like Malfoy to do anything that moves, but going to class?" Pansy added.

"Meh," said Harry falling asleep.

"Let's go through Hermione's stuff," said Blaise.

"No we shouldn't," said Ron.

"God, Ron, she doesn't like you in that way, just go for it," said Pansy following Blaise to Hermione's room.

"Harry, stop them," said Ron.

"Oh, no, I think I'll share a joint with Hans, go do something normal for once," said Harry rolling a joint.

Ron sighed and followed the two Slytherins upstairs to see them going through her underwear drawer.

"Ooh, you like this, Blaise?" asked Pansy holding up a black lacy thong.

"Aw, why couldn't she wear that yesterday?" Blaise chuckled.

Ron started looking through her drawer and found a diary. He stared at it briefly and quickly shut the drawer.

"What's that you got there, Weasel?" asked Pansy.

"Oh-er, nothing," he replied.

"Ooh a diary, read something," said Pansy taking the book and opening it up to it's most recent entry.

_12th September_

_Oh, god, I don't believe it. I have to share a dorm with all these people. At least I've got Ron and Harry. But Malfoy and Pug Pansy, who is no longer a pug. Alas, my feelings for Harry still remain the same as they have since fourth year. I love him, and I have now faced facts. This year shall be the year I've decided. It's either now or never._

"Gee, I would've thought nerd face would write a bit more," said Blaise.

"Probably had too much homework to do," Pansy laughed.

"She…She loves Harry," said Ron collapsing.

"Gee, Ron, are you okay?" asked Pansy, who actually looked worried, judging by the fact he looked like he was going to puke.

"You know what you should do, Ron? Get layed," said Blaise, "Like this one time last year I did this Hufflepuff slut who like went at it as soon as I grabbed her ass. But she was good, I have to say and, Ron?"

* * *

Hermione didn't realise what a difference her friends made in her school day. She had potions first up and sat at the back alone. She was miserable. A whole two hours with Snape would be hell for anyone in Gryffindor. Just before the door closed and the bell rang, a rather dishevelled Malfoy stumbled through the door. All the seats were taken, except for the one next to Hermione. He smirked and approached her, "Hello, Granger, you alone today?"

"Yes, Malfoy," she sighed, not looking up from the book she was reading.

"And the only seat left happens to be next to you," he said.

"I think you'll find a comfortable place on the floor," she replied.

"Sit, everyone," Snape said from his desk.

Snape gave them an instruction to make a hair removal spell that was only meant to work on legs, arms and stomach for a seven day period.

Hermione sighed at the thought of working with Malfoy for the whole lesson.

After combining the mixture she had to stir it for 10 minutes while Malfoy watched her every move.

"So…have fun with Blaise last night," he smirked.

"Have fun with Cho last night?" she retorted. Malfoy's smirk turned into a frown. He studied Hermione's figure, her hair, her complexion, her brown eyes and her lucious red lips. Had she just outsmarted him? The Slytherin prince? The guy every girl wants to have. He now realised what he wanted and it wasn't Pansy, he wanted to face his greatest challenge yet, to do the girl he had bullied all those years, the only girl to never lust after him. A challenge, he thought. This could be fun. He walked behind her and blew down her neck.

"Could you please stop, Malfoy? It's rather distracting," she said without looking up from the mixture.

"Oh, sorry, I was mesmerized by your beauty," he smirked.

"It's nearly finished, you don't have to do this for long," she said.

"Do what?" he asked.

"Try your corny pick-up lines in order to piss me off," she replied.

"Who said I was trying to piss you off?" he whispered in her ear. I sent shivers down her spine.

"Finished," she said interrupting him

"Very good, Granger," sighed Snape, "I suppose you can try it."

Hermione drank the potion and waited 30 seconds and saw every single hair on her hands and legs had disappeared, but then she felt the weirdest feeling between her legs. The potion had removed more than it was supposed to.

Malfoy saw this reaction and guessed that more hair was removed than planned, and he smirked.

The bell rang and Hermione forwarded out with everyone. "What have you got now, Hermione," said a voice next to her sounding like Malfoy.

"Muggle studies," she replied, "Wait, what did you just call me?"

"Hermione, I'm pretty sure that's your name," he smiled.

"Oh..k," she said puzzled.

"Can I walk you to your class?" he asked.

"Sure, I'll just pretend you aren't there," she answered dropping her books, "Oh crap!" She got on her knees and gathered up her books and paper. Malfoy bent down and helped her, but then he touched her hands. They looked at each other in the eyes. Hermione blushed. She was against a wall now. Malfoy stood directly in front of her. There was no escape. His body, toned from workouts, his hair spilling over his mysterious grey eyes. His body was pressing against hers now. She hated him, but she wanted to kiss him. His lips met hers and he slid his tongue in and she let him. They were there for five minutes, until she pulled away and gathered her books. Malfoy still walked her to her class, even though they were both silent.

He kissed her on the cheek goodbye and she walked into her class. She sat down and started dreaming. She was aching for that moment to happen again, how good she felt until she realised, this was Malfoy she was dreaming about. The Slytherin, the boy who had repeatedly called her a Mudblood, the boy who had made her life hell. _He only wants me for sex, I have changed I know, he think he can win me. Me? _Then she thought, Malfoy always wins, he knows he always wins. Maybe not anymore. She had thought of a revenge plan. She smiled evil like and continued her work

A/N I hope you like it.


End file.
